shortformblog:

So … Len Burman, a Forbes blogger, wrote a story for April Fool’s Day with the headline “Romney Drops Out of Race, Endorses Santorum.” Because this headline showed up at the top of Google News, it was taken down almost immediately. But here’s the story, quoted for posterity.

In a surprise move, Mitt Romney announced today that he is ending his presidential campaign and throwing his support behind Rick Santorum. The move shocked observers, including Senator Santorum, as Governor Romney seemed poised for a decisive victory in Wisconsin.

The governor, however, said he concluded that he has “no chance” to win the general election in December and that a Santorum candidacy in 2012 would be in the “best interest of the party.”

He explained, “It will save time. As many observers have pointed out, my defeat in 2012 will be interpreted by the party faithful as evidence that our problem is that we’ve become too pragmatic and moderate. In 2016, we’ll ˜correct™ that and nominate some right-wing nut and get demolished in the general election. 

It’ll be like Goldwater in 1964. I don’t want to wait until 2020 to get my party back. I’m all about efficiency. Let’s get our butts kicked now and move on.”

When asked if he was worried that a Santorum thrashing in 2012 would also cause GOP losses in Congress, Romney said, “sure, but many of the losers will be those Tea Party nuts. If they go back home, Congress may actually be able to get some work done for the American people.”

The governor also said that he “wasnt really troubled” at the prospect that a Democratic Congress and President Obama would guarantee the survival of the presidents health reform.

“Look, I invented Obamacare and Im proud of it. If Id been the candidate in 2008, that would have been my signature issue, and Id have won. 98 percent of people in Massachusetts have health insurance. Its ridiculous that my party thinks its just fine for 50 million Americans to lack health insurance, access to preventive care, and all that. We can spend the next four years thinking about how to improve on health reform, rather than sabotage it.”

Senator Santorum said that he was “gratified, I think, at the governors endorsement.

Newt Gingich pointed out that he is still in the race and expects to prevail at the GOP convention in August.

Remember everyone, satire only works if it’s funny and doesn’t make your publication look stupid.

IF ONLY THIS WERE TRUE.

  1. nervous-noodle reblogged this from shortformblog
  2. clarisamarageorgescu reblogged this from shortformblog
  3. starsallhavenames reblogged this from huffingtonpost
  4. sthampi reblogged this from soupsoup
  5. scarlettlikesducks reblogged this from recordedforposterity
  6. recordedforposterity reblogged this from huffingtonpost
  7. stevegarfield reblogged this from shortformblog
  8. daydreamntn reblogged this from shortformblog
  9. krochmal reblogged this from shortformblog
  10. pjevans3 reblogged this from soupsoup
  11. philosophyofx reblogged this from huffingtonpost
  12. phofilmfan reblogged this from shortformblog
  13. thunt reblogged this from shortformblog
  14. rafrenzy reblogged this from shortformblog
  15. mehkeeplooking reblogged this from soupsoup
  16. timetosavetheuniverse reblogged this from jessthemesslol and added:
    I scrolled past this and only saw that Romney dropped out and my heart fell to my feet with panic and fear that Santorum...
  17. moonhowler56 reblogged this from soupsoup
  18. jessthemesslol reblogged this from soupsoup
  19. 4143875809 reblogged this from huffingtonpost and added:
    ACTUALLY… I think it is pretty funny.
  20. hypercubic reblogged this from huffingtonpost
  21. kittymarx reblogged this from huffingtonpost
  22. thepoliticalfreakshow reblogged this from huffingtonpost
  23. kyubabe reblogged this from huffingtonpost
  24. stephen-colbert reblogged this from huffingtonpost
  25. huffingtonpost reblogged this from shortformblog and added:
    Whoops.